"Why don't we talk anymore?": Dead Friendships and Social Media

Originally produced for my fetlife writing page I decided this would be good here too (I really enjoyed writing it!):

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When I lived overseas I stayed in a small town where even a ten-min trip to the shop would turn into a night out as I'd run into someone I'd know, we'd get talking then head to one of the nearby bars for happy hour drinks, then another bar, then another until I was staggering home drunk with my squashed loaf of bread thinking, "shit, how am I going to get up in the morning!"

Something shifted when I came home though to a huge city where if I go to my local supermarket, I am completely anonymous. I walk the isles finding what I need and pop it on the counter before flipping open my phone to a text message from someone about the weekend. I hardly connect with the check out chick (saying hi, how are you right back at her) then go home.

Every moment of my life is planned: I work five days' a week and plan my weekends before they happen. There is very little room for spontaneity and excitement which may be why I enjoy my time at local BDSM clubs.

Something I've noticed about disconnected Australian's though is that we're always somewhere else: at dinner mother and daughter are on their phones, chatting to their friends on facebook. Every few months I receive yet another email from someone who I used to know (kinky people more than not) asking, "Why don't we talk anymore?" to my surprise and often a response of, "Because we don't? Because we moved on in our lives and I'm living right now in the present. I've no need to look into the past."

When did Aussie's get so out of synch with what's happening right now? Why do people find living a life online to be more rewarding than living in the here and now? Will the BDSM "grow out of" this phase and go back to real time relationships and using fetlife and other tools as just that - tools to maintain connections they already have?

Just something to get you thinking on this mildly cold summer day.

The success of this blog?

I started this blog so I had somewhere to put my BDSM ramblings however it’s becoming more than that. When submissives find me on fetlife, the first thing many of them do before contacting me is read my blog, which could be positive or negative.

Negative because they could project what I write here back at me in a way that makes them sound like the most wonderful submissive and perfect for me.

Positive because the blog (I hope) is true to me and will hopefully attract a submissive who is a good match for me. If he read the blog and it resonated well with him being the biggest drawer.

I have had a fair few submissives let me know they’d love to be my service submissive in the recent past, which would be nice if their service was unconditional of being a sexual submissive too.

I am in two minds about this blog, part of me wants to start adding to it here as I adventure through kinkyland and part of me wants to stop, delete the link from fetlife and see what I attract on my own.

Ah, that wonderful fork in the road…

sexually "normal"? Quote

The term normal is meaningless in terms of sexuality. Itis commonly used as the opposite of abnormal and therefore as a euphemism for "good" versus "bad" The consensus among sex therapists is that anything that occurs between consenting adults that harms no one is acceptable

- Howard and Martha Lewis
(Taken from my very battered copy of Different Loving). 

Music Monday: Ode to the professional dominatrix

I think this song describes more of a relationship between a dominatrix and her client with it's themes of addiction (to play), BDSM play and nothing really about the woman behind it.

I'd be open to hearing other people's interpreations though of course...

Happy music monday!

How to get more approaches from dominant women online

After talking about which ways you should not be approaching domme’s online. I’ve got some suggestions for you on how to perhaps have domme’s approaching you (wouldn’t that be nice?). Some might seem common sense, but keep reading. You might find a gem you hadn’t thought of if you have not been very successful in the online BDSM community so far. 

Work out what it is you’re looking for

I’m openly polyamerous and I’m not hugely attached to outcomes – if I go have coffee with someone and we don’t click, I don’t get upset that that person will not be my slave. I just smile and keep going, so I’ve cast a pretty wide net, stating in my profile that I am open to whatever I attract (ie, new friends, play partners, a sub or even a slave to own) but you might know better than me what you’re seeking, are you looking for a play partner for a few sessions? Will they be public or private? Are you looking for a long-term relationship? Someone to hold the key to your chastity device? A new friend or a new community of kinksters who you can learn from, but you’re just a bit shy right now to attend events? Whatever it is, write it down.

Give others’ something to reply to

When I travel I often talk to strangers in drinking holes across the world, if someone is wearing an interesting tee shirt and has open body language, I’ll approach them for a chat. If they seem hostile or unfriendly, bugger the tee shirt, I’m going to avoid them like the plague. If you want others to contact you, or even reply to your messages, write a little bit about you in a vanilla context, talk about your hobbies, use a bit of humour to add some color and be positive, you don’t want people to avoid your profile after you’ve gone to all that trouble of taking fetish-ish pictures because you seem hostile. 

Talk about what you want to do for the mistress

The reason why professional domme’s get so much work from disgruntled attempted lifestylers is because the rest of us read the profiles of ‘do me’ submissives, turn up our noses and walk away.

The messages I’m most likely to respond to are from guys who tell me the things they can do for me that are mundane because I know that the mundane are things they are not going to get off on, so it really is about me. If you message a domme telling her you will give her free foot massages, she’ll know straight away that it’s about you (you dirty foot boy!)

Don’t invent experience

Nothing worse than a twenty five year old “master” with four or five middle-aged online submissive’s in his “leather family” telling everyone he’s been a master since fifteen. Com’on! (Yes, I know I was active online not much older than him, but I was only i*learning* online, not playing with anyone).

For the love of god – no child kink!

Whenever I read stories – the graphic ones are the worst – about games people play as children being tied to kink it really grosses me out, age play is fine. Telling people you like to be erotically tied because it always makes you think of Sally who lived next door to you when you were five is just weird.

Don’t take a S/slashy speak

Taking a slash in Australia is (normally) men’s urination. I hate the term as much as I hate slashy speak (ie. W/we are A/all over Y/your English butchery) I understand that perhaps some online-only mistresses may require their submissives to use this speech, but for the reast of us it’s irritating. Please only keep it to private conversations with people who’ve got the same language butcher fetish.

If you take these pieces of advice to heart and change up your profile a bit, you should have plenty of approaches in no time!

BAD approaches to dominant women by submissive men

The approach for the online “slave” can be one of the more annoying things for female dominants dipping their toe into the online BDSM scene. I’m going to discuss the good, bad and the ugly. Then follow this post with other how to type posts for those that want to be successful and don’t want to be members of this list.

Just exactly how are submissives supposed to approach dominants online?

I’ve recently signed up for a well-known BDSM personals site and have had the usual flood of responses to my ad, most I ignored and for various reasons. 

There’s the “Mistress, may I please contact you?”

Seriously boys, a submissive writing to me to ask if they could write to me – being attracted to intelligence, I cannot answer him.

Obvious SPAM

Sending me the same message multiple times that states they’ve never done this before, telling me I’m beautiful when I don’t have a picture listed or that we have so much in common when I have not written anything – much less anything kinky and fun – is all just plain annoying. Report it already ladies. Let’s get rid of this annoying behaviour! 

One liners – the type that don’t say anything

I don’t mind a one-liner that shows they have wit or that they read my profile, but if it’s “hi hru” please don’t waste anyone’s time – and stop butchering the language. 

“guilting” me into responding

Yeah, shut up. Everyone know’s you’re a loser. Don’t need to attempt to make amazing women feel bad because they’re not interested in engaging with you. It might have worked on your mother once, but it won't work on me.

Bitching about other Domme’s (worse: in your first message to me)

Being constantly bombarded by bitchy comments about how other domme’s are not “real”, “Genuine”, have different fetishes to them (read their profile and you’ll work it out pretty quickly!) or just don’t respond. I can’t say I care about their interactions with other domme’s online, hearing about it in an introduction too get’s them blocked. Not too sure why these guys’ think it’s attractive, either.

What’s better are the guys who use it as a compliment, “I read your profile and loved how genuine and real you are, not like all those fake domme’s…” *yawm*

If you are unsuccessful and you can point to any of these behaviours and go, “oh shit, that’s me!” it might well be why. 

Next week I’m posting a guide to getting dominant women to approach you. Stay tuned guys!

Music Monday's: BDSM can be FUN!

While it’s very likely that JT threw in these obviously SM lines to gain attention for the song: 

“Dirty babe, you see these shackles, baby, I'm your slave. 

I'll let you whip me when I misbehave. 

It's just that no one makes me feel this way.”

However, I still love the song, it’s so fun! BDSM IS about enjoyment, right? And who doesn’t want a sexy submissive, after all? ;) 

I shall tell you where I came from

I thought I would share this as it’s often the first question one is asked by anyone in the BDSM scene and I want to answer it here so I don’t find myself repeating it over and over and over….

I was sixteen when I first started exploring the idea of BDSM. I did a whole lot of reading and had joined a personal site so I could access their forums. Occasionally talking to people here and there who messaged me, but making very clear in my profile on there and in messages that I wasn’t interested in playing with anyone. 

After some time, I met a handful of people who would later become my first BDSM friends and companions to events when I came of age. I also had one meeting which had me thinking we were meeting to make friends who had similar interest and him thinking he was picking up a minor (ew, yuck!) needless to say, he was not successful and I have never heard of him since. 

When I was eighteen I entered the local BDSM scene for the first time. I went to a handful of events, but at the time wasn’t very interested in public play and found I didn’t learn and absorb much in the way of a BDSM education so stopped going, eventually turning to workshops where I could learn more skills. 

I think it’s important to be a skilful player and to not just take a whip or needles to someone. Not just for the sake of your own reputation, but also because you should want to hurt a submissive (if that’s what you both desire) not harm them. 

When I was in my early twenties, I moved into a house with a friend who was very keen on BDSM and we would have play parties and dommina’s dinner parties. I loved that time and would love to get back to hosting parties where my guests other dominant women could be waited on by male submissives who would then be our play things for the night. 

I moved out of that house and after a time I started travelling in my early twenties and lost interest in the BDSM lifestyle as I wasn’t finding my match within the scene and preferred romantic relationships with men I met while travelling the world. 

Now I’m back to my roots in BDSM and want to explore as ever, in my own way. I am still young, with all the time in the world to explore. The real fun starts now!