BAD approaches to dominant women by submissive men

The approach for the online “slave” can be one of the more annoying things for female dominants dipping their toe into the online BDSM scene. I’m going to discuss the good, bad and the ugly. Then follow this post with other how to type posts for those that want to be successful and don’t want to be members of this list.

Just exactly how are submissives supposed to approach dominants online?

I’ve recently signed up for a well-known BDSM personals site and have had the usual flood of responses to my ad, most I ignored and for various reasons. 

There’s the “Mistress, may I please contact you?”

Seriously boys, a submissive writing to me to ask if they could write to me – being attracted to intelligence, I cannot answer him.

Obvious SPAM

Sending me the same message multiple times that states they’ve never done this before, telling me I’m beautiful when I don’t have a picture listed or that we have so much in common when I have not written anything – much less anything kinky and fun – is all just plain annoying. Report it already ladies. Let’s get rid of this annoying behaviour! 

One liners – the type that don’t say anything

I don’t mind a one-liner that shows they have wit or that they read my profile, but if it’s “hi hru” please don’t waste anyone’s time – and stop butchering the language. 

“guilting” me into responding

Yeah, shut up. Everyone know’s you’re a loser. Don’t need to attempt to make amazing women feel bad because they’re not interested in engaging with you. It might have worked on your mother once, but it won't work on me.

Bitching about other Domme’s (worse: in your first message to me)

Being constantly bombarded by bitchy comments about how other domme’s are not “real”, “Genuine”, have different fetishes to them (read their profile and you’ll work it out pretty quickly!) or just don’t respond. I can’t say I care about their interactions with other domme’s online, hearing about it in an introduction too get’s them blocked. Not too sure why these guys’ think it’s attractive, either.

What’s better are the guys who use it as a compliment, “I read your profile and loved how genuine and real you are, not like all those fake domme’s…” *yawm*

If you are unsuccessful and you can point to any of these behaviours and go, “oh shit, that’s me!” it might well be why. 

Next week I’m posting a guide to getting dominant women to approach you. Stay tuned guys!

Why I would become a private coach submissive males if I had the time (and was getting paid for it)

I see a lot of submissive males who are very sweet guys, but who are just not getting anywhere. I also see the occasional submissive female in this predicament, but as I’m mostly approached by submissive males this post is written with them in mind. Ladies, just imagine it’s you if you feel you can relate. 

I can see there are so many problems with the way they approach me, the way they write their profile, the way they think this works that I think, god, I’d love to help you… you seem very nice, but there’s so many like you that need help. 

This afternoon I was approached by one such guy. A lovely submissive about my age who approached me saying all the right things, then at the end saying “Mistress, I would be happy to tribute you for a session.” Now see, if I want tribute I will tell you, or it will be written on my profile (most likely). 

I do really love financial domination, but I enjoy more the, I take so much money from the boy on a regular basis that it hurts him financially or that I control his finances in one way or another, not the simple, “I’ll throw you fifty bucks here and there if you allow me to rub your feet.” In situations like this, it’s not fetish fun, it’s just money and footrubs. Boring! 

I wanted to message this guy back and tell him what was wrong with what he was writing then I thought, wait, is he really seeking what I’m seeking… perhaps he is just looking for a professional domme and no-one’s pointing him in the direction of one of Melbourne’s premium dungeons where he can go, select a professional mistress and play, for a fee. Which seems to be what he wants. 

I wrote him back, asking why he was using a BDSM personals site when perhaps he should be looking into a session with a professional. I quickly discovered that this was what he’d gleaned from briefly reading a few profiles here and there. I explained to him my personal perspective on financial domination, professional domination and lifestyle domination and that if he was seeking a dominant girlfriend, as he was implying would happen in his ideal scenario after a few footrubs, dates and getting to know each other maybe he should drop the part about tribute from his messages. 

He wrote to me a while later, obviously considering what I’d said asking if I could “Mentor” him. I smiled to myself. I don’t mind the idea of eMentoring a few boys here and there, but really, what would I be getting out of it? It’s a service if it’s “can you help me find a Domme” and I work two jobs currently and barely see my friends and personal submissives. Being so time poor and knowing full well that if I put myself out there to assist these men to find dominant ladies, they would be able to find a domme, she a sub, but what about me? Perhaps this is a skill I could market. Maybe I will write the boy back and offer to assist him – I’d make good use of his fee after all.

Music Monday's: Same-same dating

For the first Music Mondays Febuary post (I'm going to do Music Monday's on the last Monday of every month), I decided to post something by Ani Difranco. Being the big queer domme I am it had to happen eventually, right?

For anyone who doesn't know, same-same is what the Thai's say to tourists all the time. Perhaps 'similar' is a difficult word for them, or perhaps it's just something someone said once that stuck. In my mind, BDSM dating is similar to vanilla dating, hence the "same-same dating" title. 

Ani sings this upbeat number which is pretty much like everything else she writes, a flow of conciousness song. There's a few choice lyrics that really resonate with pretty much every bad date (BDSM date or otherwise) we've all been on: 

I think shy is boring
I think depressed is too
I think pretty is nice
but I'd rather see something new

... Wouldn't we all!? Show me YOU and I might be interested. If I lose interest in your pretense, don't be offended. It's not really you, is it?

they wanna take me out to dinner
think I'm a bitch if I don't go
seems like the people who actually like me
won't allow me to say no

I can't tell you how many people I've had to say no to "nicely", I don't bother anymore. If someone doesn't understand that you're not interested by your obvious lack of interest, they've got bigger problems than you need to be involved in.

your idea of a conversation
is the third degree
but I don't really know you
and I don't really want to talk about me

I lose interest in conversations that are all questions about me. This is a two-way thing, right? If you can't make conversation with someone, there's a sign.

I promise I won't keep posting video's with such a negative slant to them about BDSM dating or offencive internet fetishists just as soon as it's out of my system - which will be very soon!

Music Monday's: What I'm not.

A new section I'm going to try, something to keep myself entertained. I love music, although I am partial to the odd indie tune, I also listen to the radio, A LOT and have come into contact with many songs lately that seem to fit how I'm feeling as a dommina.

This one, although it's written about women in general, I found I felt an afinity to when it came to my first steps (back into) the BDSM scene online. I was being approached mostly by male subs, and when I call them subs I use the term lightly... they were men who fetishise women and dominant women in particular. The type of guys who couldn't walk upto you in a bar because they're too socially awkward to even be in a bar, but sending pictures of their penises over the internet? Now that made them feel safe. And manly.

Don't you want to have somebody who objectifies you?
Have you thought about your butt? Who's gonna tear it in two?
We've never had it so good, uh-huh, we're out of the woods
And if you can't detect the sarcasm, you've misunderstood

Because we all know how wonderful it is to be treated as nothing more than someone's fetish instead of as a human being, It's Lily Allen's It's hard out here...