"Why don't we talk anymore?": Dead Friendships and Social Media

Originally produced for my fetlife writing page I decided this would be good here too (I really enjoyed writing it!):

-----

When I lived overseas I stayed in a small town where even a ten-min trip to the shop would turn into a night out as I'd run into someone I'd know, we'd get talking then head to one of the nearby bars for happy hour drinks, then another bar, then another until I was staggering home drunk with my squashed loaf of bread thinking, "shit, how am I going to get up in the morning!"

Something shifted when I came home though to a huge city where if I go to my local supermarket, I am completely anonymous. I walk the isles finding what I need and pop it on the counter before flipping open my phone to a text message from someone about the weekend. I hardly connect with the check out chick (saying hi, how are you right back at her) then go home.

Every moment of my life is planned: I work five days' a week and plan my weekends before they happen. There is very little room for spontaneity and excitement which may be why I enjoy my time at local BDSM clubs.

Something I've noticed about disconnected Australian's though is that we're always somewhere else: at dinner mother and daughter are on their phones, chatting to their friends on facebook. Every few months I receive yet another email from someone who I used to know (kinky people more than not) asking, "Why don't we talk anymore?" to my surprise and often a response of, "Because we don't? Because we moved on in our lives and I'm living right now in the present. I've no need to look into the past."

When did Aussie's get so out of synch with what's happening right now? Why do people find living a life online to be more rewarding than living in the here and now? Will the BDSM "grow out of" this phase and go back to real time relationships and using fetlife and other tools as just that - tools to maintain connections they already have?

Just something to get you thinking on this mildly cold summer day.

The success of this blog?

I started this blog so I had somewhere to put my BDSM ramblings however it’s becoming more than that. When submissives find me on fetlife, the first thing many of them do before contacting me is read my blog, which could be positive or negative.

Negative because they could project what I write here back at me in a way that makes them sound like the most wonderful submissive and perfect for me.

Positive because the blog (I hope) is true to me and will hopefully attract a submissive who is a good match for me. If he read the blog and it resonated well with him being the biggest drawer.

I have had a fair few submissives let me know they’d love to be my service submissive in the recent past, which would be nice if their service was unconditional of being a sexual submissive too.

I am in two minds about this blog, part of me wants to start adding to it here as I adventure through kinkyland and part of me wants to stop, delete the link from fetlife and see what I attract on my own.

Ah, that wonderful fork in the road…

First steps into the physical BDSM scene (what to explect)

I remember my first BDSM event. I was just eighteen and a friend of mine (from the early days of my talking about BDSM online to strangers as a minor – oops!) had asked me to accompany him. I went along to what I thought would be a big, scary BDSM event in Melbourne’s inner suburbs. Full of heavy metal music and girls being tied to things, whipped until their flesh came away. Perhaps that was partly fantasy too. 

I walked into this event and thought, shit where are all the young hot people. Everyone was so, OLD. I was standing there with my friend, his scene friends (who he’d quickly found after we’d arrived) and looking around, feeling very alone and perverted. I had found this interest very young, maybe there was something wrong with me? 

I am lucky that I live in a big kinky city, and I have seen my local BDSM scene grow over the years. Now there’s something on every week, not just two events a month. There’s a heap of these easy to attend (if a little boring) events. I would defiantly recommend anyone looking to go to their first event, that although it’s tempting to go to the hardcore leather bar, going to a tamer event or even a munch is easier than ever in Melbourne (and luckily us young kinksters are not alone, there are often under 30’s or under 35’s events in your city). 

Once you’ve found the tame event near you, weather through word of mouth online (link leads to the fetlife events board and opens in a new window), or are being dragged to the event by a friend of potential play partner the most important thing to do is relax. You’ve found your fellow freaks now. It’s time to enjoy that first moment when you look around and think (hopefully) “wow! They’re all just like me!”

The best advice I can give you aside from the “just go!” (and yes, a lot of people go alone – that’s how they meet new people!) is to remember that you are a newbie and that no-one expects you to play at an event. Often if you talk to the people on the door and say you’re new, they will set you up with someone to talk to who will explain the nature of the event and listen to you talk about how you’re so happy there are people just like you in the world (my friend did this, and it’s a thankless job, she really has heard it all!) or if you’ve chosen a munch, there will be other people there who you’ll be sitting with to talk to. Really it’s not that scary once you get there, and it’s a challenge to get over that initial fear. 

I’m happy to listen to you talk about your first event – but not happy to hear you talk about how you’d just love to go, adventurousness is attractive. Remember that!

BAD approaches to dominant women by submissive men

The approach for the online “slave” can be one of the more annoying things for female dominants dipping their toe into the online BDSM scene. I’m going to discuss the good, bad and the ugly. Then follow this post with other how to type posts for those that want to be successful and don’t want to be members of this list.

Just exactly how are submissives supposed to approach dominants online?

I’ve recently signed up for a well-known BDSM personals site and have had the usual flood of responses to my ad, most I ignored and for various reasons. 

There’s the “Mistress, may I please contact you?”

Seriously boys, a submissive writing to me to ask if they could write to me – being attracted to intelligence, I cannot answer him.

Obvious SPAM

Sending me the same message multiple times that states they’ve never done this before, telling me I’m beautiful when I don’t have a picture listed or that we have so much in common when I have not written anything – much less anything kinky and fun – is all just plain annoying. Report it already ladies. Let’s get rid of this annoying behaviour! 

One liners – the type that don’t say anything

I don’t mind a one-liner that shows they have wit or that they read my profile, but if it’s “hi hru” please don’t waste anyone’s time – and stop butchering the language. 

“guilting” me into responding

Yeah, shut up. Everyone know’s you’re a loser. Don’t need to attempt to make amazing women feel bad because they’re not interested in engaging with you. It might have worked on your mother once, but it won't work on me.

Bitching about other Domme’s (worse: in your first message to me)

Being constantly bombarded by bitchy comments about how other domme’s are not “real”, “Genuine”, have different fetishes to them (read their profile and you’ll work it out pretty quickly!) or just don’t respond. I can’t say I care about their interactions with other domme’s online, hearing about it in an introduction too get’s them blocked. Not too sure why these guys’ think it’s attractive, either.

What’s better are the guys who use it as a compliment, “I read your profile and loved how genuine and real you are, not like all those fake domme’s…” *yawm*

If you are unsuccessful and you can point to any of these behaviours and go, “oh shit, that’s me!” it might well be why. 

Next week I’m posting a guide to getting dominant women to approach you. Stay tuned guys!

I shall tell you where I came from

I thought I would share this as it’s often the first question one is asked by anyone in the BDSM scene and I want to answer it here so I don’t find myself repeating it over and over and over….

I was sixteen when I first started exploring the idea of BDSM. I did a whole lot of reading and had joined a personal site so I could access their forums. Occasionally talking to people here and there who messaged me, but making very clear in my profile on there and in messages that I wasn’t interested in playing with anyone. 

After some time, I met a handful of people who would later become my first BDSM friends and companions to events when I came of age. I also had one meeting which had me thinking we were meeting to make friends who had similar interest and him thinking he was picking up a minor (ew, yuck!) needless to say, he was not successful and I have never heard of him since. 

When I was eighteen I entered the local BDSM scene for the first time. I went to a handful of events, but at the time wasn’t very interested in public play and found I didn’t learn and absorb much in the way of a BDSM education so stopped going, eventually turning to workshops where I could learn more skills. 

I think it’s important to be a skilful player and to not just take a whip or needles to someone. Not just for the sake of your own reputation, but also because you should want to hurt a submissive (if that’s what you both desire) not harm them. 

When I was in my early twenties, I moved into a house with a friend who was very keen on BDSM and we would have play parties and dommina’s dinner parties. I loved that time and would love to get back to hosting parties where my guests other dominant women could be waited on by male submissives who would then be our play things for the night. 

I moved out of that house and after a time I started travelling in my early twenties and lost interest in the BDSM lifestyle as I wasn’t finding my match within the scene and preferred romantic relationships with men I met while travelling the world. 

Now I’m back to my roots in BDSM and want to explore as ever, in my own way. I am still young, with all the time in the world to explore. The real fun starts now!

Music Monday's: Same-same dating

For the first Music Mondays Febuary post (I'm going to do Music Monday's on the last Monday of every month), I decided to post something by Ani Difranco. Being the big queer domme I am it had to happen eventually, right?

For anyone who doesn't know, same-same is what the Thai's say to tourists all the time. Perhaps 'similar' is a difficult word for them, or perhaps it's just something someone said once that stuck. In my mind, BDSM dating is similar to vanilla dating, hence the "same-same dating" title. 

Ani sings this upbeat number which is pretty much like everything else she writes, a flow of conciousness song. There's a few choice lyrics that really resonate with pretty much every bad date (BDSM date or otherwise) we've all been on: 

I think shy is boring
I think depressed is too
I think pretty is nice
but I'd rather see something new

... Wouldn't we all!? Show me YOU and I might be interested. If I lose interest in your pretense, don't be offended. It's not really you, is it?

they wanna take me out to dinner
think I'm a bitch if I don't go
seems like the people who actually like me
won't allow me to say no

I can't tell you how many people I've had to say no to "nicely", I don't bother anymore. If someone doesn't understand that you're not interested by your obvious lack of interest, they've got bigger problems than you need to be involved in.

your idea of a conversation
is the third degree
but I don't really know you
and I don't really want to talk about me

I lose interest in conversations that are all questions about me. This is a two-way thing, right? If you can't make conversation with someone, there's a sign.

I promise I won't keep posting video's with such a negative slant to them about BDSM dating or offencive internet fetishists just as soon as it's out of my system - which will be very soon!

What the hell is a queer domme?

A few years ago, I was sitting in the lounge room of someone who is very respected in my local scene. He has his own blog over here I found when I went to his profile on fetlife, and I hope he wouldn't mind me linking here. He’s Erin. A loveable Dominant and a good friend to someone I was dating at the time. Who was a very cute, very sweet guy who for me, just came along at the wrong time. I had a lot of stuff to work out back then. I am very glad I knew him however. 

Back to Erin and his words of wisdom, he’d said something in passing that was ground breaking for me (actually, he said a lot of ground breaking things for me that night, but this is one I want to share right now)

After talking about how different domme’s interacted with their slaves, he said,“There is a queer domme, who will hit you and then giggle.”

The domme boot dropped. My god! I am that girl! I am the girl who hits people and laughs! I am a queer domme! I am queer! How strange it is to turn an offencive word around (there’s more behind being queer than this, but I’m no expert. Google queer theory if you are interested).

Skip to now when I meet s types who tell me I am not what they expected. Mostly because the domme’s they meet are twice my age and stern disciplinarians. Many have experience as professional dommina’s as well as in the lifestyle. I am a smiling domme with no other experience than that with old partners, subs and play things. I am a domme still in her youth and enjoys administering pain, but in a different way. After mindfucking a submissive or hitting him and causing physical plain, I will laugh. Sometimes it gives the game away, but I cannot help it.

It’s who I am.